No More Wasted Time

Still searching, wondering how it all went so wrong...

it's been almost 8 months now since everything went down, and my life took a turn i just never expected it to do so. it's not something i'll ever forget, and i'll likely to feel the pain for the rest of my life, but for the most part, i've moved on.

still, there are moments when the pain is still intense. i'm cleaning my apartment - sort of a spring cleaning, even if it did snow 6 inches last night. i bought a file cabinet, figuring that maybe it'll help me keep semi-organized. i have a bad habit of leaving receipts and such all over the place, and of saving magazines with articles i like, and stuff like that. so, maybe i'll file them away, in some some sembelence of order...anyway, i digress.

so i'm going through stuff that's piled up. most of it old financial stuff and manuals for stuff i bought and magazines and the aforementioned receipts. but, among those receipts, are receipts for things we did on our honeymoon - a week i look back with a mixture of fondness and sadness.

fondness, because we had a truly fun time, and really miss those times with her. sadness, because i had no idea it was a farewell trip of sorts. to me, it was her honeymoon. but she was saying goodbye, and i had no idea that's what she was doing.

pictures too. coming across those as well. that really sucks. we did some really fun things together. had some great times. i truly, truly enjoyed our five years together, and damn, they were special.

i realize i played a huge role in her leaving, but...it just was so unexpected to me. caught me completely off guard. i think that's why it's still kinda raw. it was so sudden and abrupt, and just ripped me completely out of the life i was living, ripped from me the life i was expecting.

i thought i'd grow old with her. i thought we'd have babies and take our kids camping and to Mets games and to wrestling matches and stuff. play catch with them and kick the soccer ball with them.

maybe one day i'll get out of this funk, and maybe the wounds won't seem so fresh. man. i hope so.

posted by Tree @ 1:12 PM