Saturday, March 17, 2007

Still searching, wondering how it all went so wrong...

it's been almost 8 months now since everything went down, and my life took a turn i just never expected it to do so. it's not something i'll ever forget, and i'll likely to feel the pain for the rest of my life, but for the most part, i've moved on.

still, there are moments when the pain is still intense. i'm cleaning my apartment - sort of a spring cleaning, even if it did snow 6 inches last night. i bought a file cabinet, figuring that maybe it'll help me keep semi-organized. i have a bad habit of leaving receipts and such all over the place, and of saving magazines with articles i like, and stuff like that. so, maybe i'll file them away, in some some sembelence of order...anyway, i digress.

so i'm going through stuff that's piled up. most of it old financial stuff and manuals for stuff i bought and magazines and the aforementioned receipts. but, among those receipts, are receipts for things we did on our honeymoon - a week i look back with a mixture of fondness and sadness.

fondness, because we had a truly fun time, and really miss those times with her. sadness, because i had no idea it was a farewell trip of sorts. to me, it was her honeymoon. but she was saying goodbye, and i had no idea that's what she was doing.

pictures too. coming across those as well. that really sucks. we did some really fun things together. had some great times. i truly, truly enjoyed our five years together, and damn, they were special.

i realize i played a huge role in her leaving, but...it just was so unexpected to me. caught me completely off guard. i think that's why it's still kinda raw. it was so sudden and abrupt, and just ripped me completely out of the life i was living, ripped from me the life i was expecting.

i thought i'd grow old with her. i thought we'd have babies and take our kids camping and to Mets games and to wrestling matches and stuff. play catch with them and kick the soccer ball with them.

maybe one day i'll get out of this funk, and maybe the wounds won't seem so fresh. man. i hope so.

posted by Tree @ 1:12 PM 2 comments

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Lost and found...

it's been a long time since i did anything here...

a lot of things happened to me. i got lost. it was a path i let myself go down, and ultimately i have no one to blame but myself. but i did go down that path, and while i'm still trying to find my way back, i'm closer now than i was 6 and 12 and 18 and 24 month ago.

i don't know how i found myself on that path, but it was a journey i never wanted to take. yet, i found myself going down a road i knew i shouldn't be going down. even worse, i couldn't seem to stop myself.

and then, on top of all that, it was a place of darkness, and any light manufactured was just artificial, and not real. yet, i plunged into the darkness, stumbling my way through, and not even realizing where i was going, why i was taking this trip, or, honestly, that i was even doing it.

i stopped doing all the things i loved, all the things i enjoyed. things like writing, or watching sports with friends. or...other things too....and people i loved? they weren't on me on this journey, and...i forgot about them,,,

as i find my way back home, most of my recollections of the depths of my journey are hazy. the light i now see seems natural and real, but looking back, it seems almost like i watched someone else make the trip, and that it wasn't me who descended lower, and lower, and lower, into the depths.

but, i know it was me.

i know, because i paid a heavy toll on that road. a heavy, heavy, toll.

posted by Tree @ 10:18 PM 0 comments